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Come and Laff it off

There were 11 people hanging onto a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman. They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone of them would die. No one could decide who it should be, so finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children, and giving in to men. All of the men started clapping.

At a leading theatre in Australia, Indian star batsman Sachin Tendulkar went to watch a film that was called ‘Tendulkar’. Needless to add, he was very excited to watch a film made on him. However, to his utter dismay he found the film had nothing to do with him. Furious, he called the production company in anger saying: “Excuse me, but your film had nothing about me in it!” The production guy cheekily retorted back saying: ‘Well, 'Border' was a hit in India and it did not have Allan Border?"

One day, Timmy was talking to God. "What's a thousand years like to you, God?" Timmy asked. "Like a second," God replied. "What's a million dollars like to you, God?" Timmy asked. "Like a penny, Timmy," God replied. "Hey, God," Timmy thoughtfully asked, "can I borrow a penny?" "Sure," God replied. "Hold on a second."

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."

A professor is giving first-year medical students their opening lecture on autopsies.
He says, "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At that point the teacher sticks his finger into the dead man's rectum, pulls the finger out, then licks it.
He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. Slowly, one by one, they all do so.
Then the teacher says, "The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation. I stuck my Middle Finger into the corpse's rectum, but I licked my index finger."

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson said: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?
Holmes: "Watson, you bonehead. Somebody stole our tent."

A well dressed man was having a dinner in "Udipi Hotel".After he finished his dinner, he started to wash his hands at the table.
The owner saw him and got real angry and asked, "Have you had dinner in some nice hotel before?"
Man: "Ya!" "I had dinner once in Ashoka Hotel."
Owner: "Did you wash your hands at the table there as well?"
Man: "Yes, I did."
Owner: " And nobody told you anything?!!"
Man: "They kicked me out and said 'agar ase hi karna hai to kisi Udipi Hotel mae jake khana khaa'.(if you want to eat like this go to some Udipi hotel and eat).

Tongue Twisters

Chandu ke chacha ne chandu ki chachi ko chandni-chowkmein chaandi ki chammach se chatni chackaee.

nandu ke nana ne nandu ki nani ko nal ke niche nanga nahlaya

madan, mohan, malveya madras mein machhli maarte maarte mare

Chaar Kachari Kachche Chacha, Chaar Kachari Pakke. Pakki Kachari Kachche Chacha, Kachchi Kachari Pakke!

English translation:
Chandus' uncle asked Chandus' aunt to taste a pickle with the help of a silver spoon at Chandni-chowk.

For the rest send in the translations please.

A Place to Sleep

David pulled into a little town and found every hotel room taken. "You must have a room or even a bed somewhere, never mind where." he told the manager.
"Well I do have a double room with an occupant who might gladly split the cost. But to tell you the truth, nobody will have him as he snores so loudly that even the neighbours complain"said the manager.
"No problem,"the tired traveller assured him, "I'll take the room".

The next day David came down for breakfast fresh and chirpy and when asked how he slept, he replied,"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring,then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time."
"How'd you do that?" asked everyone.
"He was already in bed snoring when I came in the room." said David."I went over and kissed him on the cheek and said,'Goodnight beautiful', with that he sat up all night watching me."

Three men and three wishes

Three men, a project manager, soft ware engineer and a hardware engineer went to Ft.Lauderdale for 2 weeks to help out in a project.
One day, while walking on the beach during their lunch-break,they stumbled on a lamp. When they rubbed it a genie appeared and offered three wishes, one for each.
"I like to spend the rest of my life in a beautiful house at St.Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by pretty women," said the hardware engineer, who went first. The genie granted the wish at once and he was sent off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next and asked," I would like to cruise the Mediterranean Sea on my own yacht with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." Genie agreed and off he went to the Mediterranean.
The genie turned to the project manager,"What would your wish be?" he asked. "I want both of them back after lunch-break," he replied.

LAPD, FBI and CIA

The LAPD, FBI,and CIA are always trying to prove that they are better in apprehending criminals. One day the President decides to put this to test. He has a rabbit released into the forest and asks each of them to catch it.
The CIA, sets up animal informants every where and questions plant and mineral witnesses and after 3 months decide that the rabbit does not exist.
The FBI goes in and after 2 weeks of no leads, sets fire to the forest, burning up everything including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. "The rabbit had it coming."
The LAPD goes in and returns with a bear that is badly beaten. The bear is yelling"OK,OK, I am a rabbit, I am a rabbit."

Mr. Witherspoon's wife

Mr. Witherspoon took his secretary to a convention. When they arrived at the hotel,late,they were told that all but a single room was taken.
"No problem,"said Mr WS,"we can share the room, just put in another cot for me."
When they went in, they took their respective beds. After a while, the secretary sheepishly asked Mr. WS,"I'm feeling quite cold, do you mind shutting the window for me?".
The boss replied," Let's see,if you are cold, how do you like to pretend that you Mrs. WS tonight?"
"Oh Mr.WS, I'd love to!" said the secretary.
"Good. Then YOU get up and shut the window!"

Watermelon Patch

There was a farmer who was doing well with growing watermelons until one day he realised that some kids were sneaking into his watermelon patch at night and eating the melons.
After a careful thought he comes up with a bright idea to keep the kids away. He makes up a sign and posts it in the field. Next day when the kids show up, they see this sign which says,"WARNING-One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." So the kids run off but they are soon back with another sign which they put up next to the farmer's. When the farmer arrives the next day and is happy to see that his plan has worked, not a melon missing. But he notices a new sign and walks up to it. It says,"Now there are two."

Lost Landy's Handbag

A Lady lost her handbag in the bustle of a shopping mall. It was found by a boy who returned it to the lady. Looking into the purse, she commented,"That's funny!! when I lost the bag there was one £20 bill note in it and now there are 20, £1 bills."
The boy quickly replied,"That's right mam.""The last time I found a lady's purse, she did not have any change for the reward."

Hard(ly) working

"So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, "have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?"
"Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel."
"Very impressive," he commented, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours."
Mrs. Smith explained brightly, "Oh, that was during office hours."

Suit yourself

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on. "I'm about to close," the surgeon says. The patient grabs his hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!" The doctor hands him the thread and says, "Suture self (Suit yourself)."

*While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock", the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall. "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's two o'clock in the morning!

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